So, I have decided to be kind to myself and find out what it is that I should have known beforehand. My research began, and included, the most creative ways I could find to satisfy my desire to understand why two people who on paper seemed so perfect yet were so far from it. I relate it to any team sport, you can have the dream team on paper but they never win a game. Why?

Hormones, hormones and, yes, the male hormone can have the same results as (in the non-scientific interpretation) of PMS.

Books have been written, movies made, men’s magazines focus on the subject of “what women want” (the simple answer: a Hug), but why don’t we, as women, want to know what men want? The simple answer: The thought that it is not us, ALL OF THE TIME, freaking our ego’s and emotions out.

The up side down world: REALITY: Woman were the home makers, they were the nurturers and the reason our (if you are of a similar age to me) parents told us that Mom needs to go out to work to help contribute to the money pot of this family. Boom, that was the reason, never because Mom has a seriously insane craving to go out and take over the world through success and achievement. That answer would have hurt Dad’s feelings. So we continue to be (sub consciously) convinced that although the woman’s role in the family make up is to provide a warm fuzzy home, and nurture; the family needs the money, and so Mom will add to her role in the family and go out and find a “Job”, not a career, but a 9 – 5 job.

All of this was done to never threaten the role Dad played in the family unit. And then one day, some really smart woman decided to do something with the degree she had spent years getting, and built a career on it – as a woman it was still her duty/ obligation/desire to take on the nurturing role and be the home maker. So, she went out and found a husband that shared in all her desires for success and achievement. Then we get married; now remember that when we date we maintain our independence and continue to make decisions and carry out our lives independently (Yes – this is a generalization); and all of a sudden tradition kicks in, Man = Hunter / Woman = Gatherer. But the reality is that Woman = Hunter and gatherer, whereas the Man is still the hunter.

This is the world we, as professional, successful women, live in. Every day we achieve something in our careers there is a man who is threatened or made to feel insecure because his place in the world, or family unit, is no longer needed, per se.

So, how do we as women not only get what we want, but also make sure that “our man” does not end up with an over active testosterone dispenser? How many times do we feel like saying: “You know what, honey, WE ARE ALL STRESSED, why is your stress soooooo much worse than mine?” Another favorite: “What makes your busy so much busier than my busy?”

The answer is BIOLOGY. Men and women deal with “stress” and “busy” differently.

I base 99% of my research here on John Gray’s book, ‘Why Mars and Venus Collide’.

STRESS: e.g. Traffic, unpaid bills, messy homes, deadlines, not enough hours in the day, blah, blah, blah, etc. etc. etc.

What happens to our bodies when our brain goes into “Stress State”?

The production of adrenaline and cortisol (hormones secreted by the adrenal gland) is how our bodies respond to stress. The fact is that these “stress hormones” deplete our “happy, warm, fuzzy feeling hormones”.

This is what stress does to us and our relationships according to John Gray:

·        Mild depression inhibits our passion;

·        A sense of urgency takes away our patience and flexibility;

·        A sense of distress, anxiety, or panic greatly diminishes our capacity to be happy;

·        Irritability overshadows our feelings of affection, appreciation, and tenderness;

·        Decreased energy limits how much we can freely give of ourselves;

·        With unstable blood sugar levels, our moods either become flat or fluctuate too much;

·        Men lose interest in the relationship, while women feel overwhelmed, with too much to do and not enough time, or support.

So biologically, how do we ensure our stress levels are kept under control? The boys need to keep their testosterone at the RIGHT level and the gals need to build their oxytocin levels.

According to John Gray testosterone-stimulating situations include:

·        Goal setting                Competition               Problem solving                            Accountability                        Risk

·        Danger                        Dominance               Success                                       Efficiency                              Urgency

·        Money                         Results                     Projects                                        Bottom line                             Power

Whereas, potent oxytocin stimulators include emphasis on:

·        Sharing                          Communication                            Safety                             Cleanliness                                     Beauty

·        Trust                              Teamwork                                   Caring                             Shared responsibility                      Consistency

·        Compliments                  Affection                                     Virtue                              Nurturing                                         Support

·        Cooperation                   Collaboration                               Group efforts                  Routine, rhythm and regularity

All men’s testosterone levels fall during the day, which makes sense that when hubby gets home, his levels are low and he is NOT in the mood for anything. This is the time they need to “recharge” their testosterone levels, and this is done lying on the couch with the remote in the hand, reading the newspaper, or taking a nap – yes they need to rest.

Women get overwhelmed when their oxytocin levels are diminished. When a man’s day is done he can then relax; women, on the other hand, once they leave the office, the role of wife, mother and home maker starts.

Let’s paint a picture:

Husband gets home lies on the couch; remote in hand (it is time to recharge the testosterone levels). Wife arrives home and starts with the kids, puts dinner on, cleans up the mess, sees husband lying on the couch. She is now feeling ignored and rejected because she feels she is the only one giving at home. Then, everyone becomes grumpy. Where the solution (in my view) is simple:

·        Women: Let the man recharge when he gets home, it is not for the entire evening.

·        Men: Before you go to “recharge”, give your wife a hug and have a 5 minute conversation with her about her day. Both of these are oxytocin producing boosters.

·        Because women have careers these days, it is important that responsibilities around the home are shared. Here are a couple of pointers:

o   Give men PROJECTS with a start and an ending time

o   Let him do it HIS WAY

o   Never ask your wife “what can I do?” rather ask, “Would you prefer me to peel the potatoes, or bath the children?”

o   Make marriage time a priority once the “full day’s” work has been done.

In my view, if you WANT to be married (as independent women, most of us no longer need to be married), make sure you put in the research and effort to understand your partner, and learn to empathise that men and women are biologically different. We are all human beings and most of us are not inherently evil, just ignorant.

Important to remember: Men, if you want us to understand you and your needs, use some sort of verbal communication. Women, Men will never be like woman – stop expecting them to.